then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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