She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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