Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
