You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i now understand why vodka
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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