i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
