two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
