When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
