the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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