addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
