I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
