i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
