billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
