If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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