flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
