i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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