I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
