I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
