just tell him i said nine months
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
