I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
