You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
