If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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