no, he came in my armpit
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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