you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
