3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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