my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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