Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
