Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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