the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
