My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
