It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
