i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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