you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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