Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
