my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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