I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
