Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
