I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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