the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i will never coherently bang her
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
