dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
