david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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