3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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