P.S. I can't hear my feet
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
