mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
