I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
