Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
