Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
you had me at cake vodka
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
