That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
