Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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