3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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