Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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