You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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