It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
