my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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