So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
