My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
