He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
