Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
