my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Randomize
