You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize