Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
