I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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