TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
