Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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