i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You can't special order awesome
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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