Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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