I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
